


Checkerboard

by kreden



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Love, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Self-cest, Smut, Tokyo Ghoul: re, kanekicest, non-existant
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-09 07:59:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5531834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kreden/pseuds/kreden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki lives in a world inside the mind of 'Kaneki's body' after Yamori's torture. His place is replaced by another person of himself, now called Shiro. He lives in torturing loneliness and depressions be being left unknown and isolated. He wakes up in his house that somehow has been formed by memory. He lives for a year watching the scene of how his life flowed on without him. But one day, after watching his 'other self' have a severe fight with Arima, he wakes up to see a white haired boy lying beside of him in his bed. <br/>"...Kaneki?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Isolation and Company

"Ugh..heavy"  
Kaneki yawned as he woke up to a heavy weight over his torso and legs.  
"What…is..this-" he groaned as he lightly slapped at the mysterious thing over him.   
"Nn…"   
A small sound of pain left the lips of the mysterious weight, and Kaneki, shocked, flinched as he snapped his eyes open.   
"Wha.."he breathed as his eyes fell upon beautiful white strands of hair. Eyes widening at the sight of a very familiar face, he shoved the arm and leg strung over him away in panic as he jumped back. The mysterious person stirred.  
 _What the hell?_   
The other him, the new Kaneki which had been formed in Yamori's torture..

_He was there._

Kaneki stood frozen, mind struggling to process the current situation. He rubbed his eyes as if what he was seeing wasn't real. The scene didn't change, so he slowly reached and gently slid his fingers into the white strands of hair. He jerked away in realization.

_I can feel him._

The slight rise and fall of the chest, the quiet and steady breathing…

"H-hey.." he choked out, voice raspy for not using his vocal chords for a long time.

_What's happening?_

"Hey... wake up,"

He waited as the other's eyes fluttered open, hand reaching up to rub at them. He quietly groaned as he forced his stiff body to sit up. He finally turned to look.

"Wh-Kan…eki..?"

He looked as confused as Kaneki was. They both stared in astonishment and either didn't talk for several seconds. A surge of joy rushed into Kaneki as he stared into the other. Someone _alive_ … someone other than himself that is breathing.. A sudden urge to touch him was pushed back.

"Why-how-…is this even possible?" The white haired boy murmured in disbelief.

Kaneki bit his lower lip, trying to not make his lips crack up into a smile. “I..don't know..”

The other boy furrowed his eyebrows in a distressed expression and he lifted his hands and ran them through his hair. Kaneki's gaze followed his motion. Then he dropped his hands, one hand lifting again.  
 _Crack_.

Kaneki flinched at the sound of the other cracking his fingers. He didn't like it when he did that. The other tend to crack his fingers when he was nervous or usually more when turning into the centipede.  
Kaneki reached forward and gently caressed the other's hand.

"Don't," kaneki paused, almost moaned at the feeling. "…Don't do that."

The white haired boy looked startled at his action. Kaneki's eyes widened, realizing what he had done. He snapped his hand away, resisting the want to hold on more. He slowly lowered his hand and looked away guiltily.

"I'm... sorry." He whispered.

The air grew heavy around them. The other lowered his hand and hid it behind him, looking away. Kaneki's nerves screamed to reach forward. Kaneki sighed. He's been isolated for a year. Of course he was thirsty for contact with another human. (Well, not really a human. More of a half-ghoul.) Again, silence stretched and as the clock on the wall clicked, both boys started to feel uneasy.

  
_I should say something_ ,   
Kaneki opened his mouth, closed it. "I… thought we were.." again he paused, shifting his weight to his other leg.

"Dead?"

"Yeah."

The other quietly laughed. Kaneki stared at the curve of his lips, and somehow couldn't take his eyes off.

"But we're not,"   
Kaneki let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. He tore his eyes off the other boy, hoping for him to not notice his very obvious blush.

"S-so, hey…uh," he cleared his throat. He looked away, hand reaching up to rub at his chin as he smiled nervously.

"..want…coffee?"

_Dammit, that was totally necessary, Kaneki._   
_Oh my god._

Kaneki groaned mentally at his stupid words. It was obvious that Kaneki forgot how to hold a conversation normally. It's been a year since he ever did. His face flushed a deep red as his mind went through a tantrum of ' _what is wrong with me!?'._

"Sure," the other boy answered. Kaneki let out a sigh, relieved that the other hadn't noticed his stupidness, and started towards the door of the bedroom.

"..so, where exactly is this place?" The other asked. Kaneki stopped, not bothering to turn since he should probably have a very weird expression right now.

"Um-" he started, wondering what to call the other.

"Shiro," the other answered, as if he could hear Kaneki's thought.

_Can he?_

"Oh, here..is..well,"Kaneki hesitated to continue, afraid of what reaction he would get. He eyed Shiro as he questioningly lifted an eyebrow.

"…where I've been, should I say.." kaneki trailed off.

"..oh,"

 

Just as he felt like being suffocated to death at the heavy atmosphere, Shiro mumbled a quick "let's go." And left the room.

Kaneki trailed behind, suddenly a bit weary if he hadn't been before.

\----------------------

 

The smell of coffee filled the kitchen as Kaneki watched Shiro moving around. He said he would brew the coffee, but Shiro declined and ordered kaneki to sit down and wait.

Kaneki stared at the white haired boy. Shiro had a strange expression on his face. A mixture of sadness and joy in the same time.

The expression was rather beautiful despite the reason for it.   
_Wait, what-?_  
He blushed and looked away, but he didn't deny the thought. _Wait, would this make him a narcissist? Shiro was himself after all. Is it even possible to fall in love with yourself?_   
"-eki,"  
 _…fall in love?_

_"-_ kaneki _?"_  
Kaneki flinched as he snapped his eyes back up at Shiro. He was holding two well-brewed cups of coffee, looking down at him with a slight tilt of his head with question.

"O-oh! I'm sorry, I just..fell into a deep thought, I guess."

Shiro nodded and walked around the table and sat down after setting the cups on the glass surface.   
_Oh_ , he thought, the reason why he was being so strange was because he was isolated for a long, long time, and finally someone came. And saved him. _From dying of loneliness_. That should be it. He doesn't _like_ Shiro, it's just a temporary emotion from all the isolation. Kaneki carefully took his cup as Shiro anxiously looked at him for reaction. After frantically sending away the thought of Shiro looking cute like that, Kaneki looked down and froze at the sight of an art of a boy's face with an eye patch over his left eye. His eyes widened for a bit and he smiled. He took a sip of the coffee and hummed in admiration.

"Do you like it?" Shiro asked, nervously. Kaneki looked back up at him, glanced back at the artwork and answered.   
"It's… really good," he spoke, suddenly feeling a burn in his eyes. Shiro sighed in relief and took his cup. Kaneki licked his lips at the aftertaste of the coffee and thoughtfully gazed at the other drinking from his cup.

It's been so long since someone had brewed coffee for him. He always made coffee here by himself, most of the time crying at the first taste of the coffee, remembering the people he loved, and later having to drink cold liquid. He had wondered if he would be forgotten forever, never being able to taste someone else's coffee. But there be was, drinking coffee made by Shiro.

"..kaneki, could you explain?" Shiro carefully asked.  
Kaneki snapped his head back towards him. He reprocessed the situation in his head, then showed an expression of worry as he opened his mouth.  
"..are you sure?" Kaneki questioned, frowning. He was worried if Shiro could take it. The long, quiet days that had passed which felt like years for him as he watched Shiro's life flow on like a horror movie. All the time he suffered from the pain. Not only physical, but more mental. Shiro.. he always sacrificed himself. He was so frustrated at times that he couldn't do anything so he cried. Oh, how much he cried, later running out of tears to shed and just collapsing and whimpering. Kaneki felt stinging in his eyes once more as he remembered the dreadful days before.   
"Kaneki…?" Shiro called worriedly.  
He hurriedly rubbed his eyes and smiled at the other. He shouldn't tell him about those moments. Those days should be buried and forgotten from memory. Kaneki took a deep breath.  
"..do you really want to know this?" He asked. The other nodded and patiently waited as Kaneki took another sip of the coffee.

Then he looked down, picking his words and arranging them in his mind and started.

"I've been in this place ever since Yamori's torture. Ever since you were 'born'." He wondered if his words even made sense. It was the first time ever for the last year he had ever talked to anyone, so he was surprised that he still knew how to talk.

"What..is this place?"Shiro asked slowly.

"It's… a real imagination..should I say..located somewhere in the unconscious of 'our body'." He glanced at Shiro, who certainly looked puzzled. Thinking of a way to explain the place he didn't certainly know much about, he continued.  
"It was formed when you came to be. I-I woke up here, and It was my house. I was very confused at how I was back at home, but then I heard Yamori."

He pictured the scene in his mind, the first scene of his own life he from another perspective. It wasn't in his mind, nor it was all around, which he could see. It was just _there_. Everything was happening without him controlling it. The world was flowing without him. It was the worst feeling he ever had in his whole life. He felt a pang of pain, like an arrow that had pierced his heart. He wasn't Kaneki anymore. There was someone else in his place. No one knew him. No one remembered him.   
_He was lost._

"It was just..happening. I was terrified at first-everything just going on without me. I heard my voice(which did not come out of his mouth), I saw you fighting him. I saw you devouring him. Then I knew that It wasn't me anymore-and I wasn't…alive in that world."  
He breathed.  
"I..hated you..at first. For taking my life away from me-for taking my place and leaving me forgotten."

Kaneki bit his lower lip, trying to hold back tears. He didn't look at the other in fear of what kind of face the other would be making. Would it be sadness? Guilt? Anger? Hatred? Would he be snickering at my loss?

"..kaneki…" a shaky voice reached to his ears. Kaneki stayed still, not daring to see him. He exhaled slowly to try and calm down.

"Kaneki, look at me.." Finally, Kaneki looked up. His heart tore to pieces when his eyes met with the other's. The second he looked up, he saw a surge of emotion from Shiro. It was more than sadness. Guilt, mourn, depression, and self-hatred...

"When I came to consciousness," Shiro explained," the only thing that processed in my mind was to kill Jason. So I did, and I felt weak. Too weak to protect whom I loved. So I did my best to grow stronger. But.. but i failed. All I did was..lose everything. I lost my past. I lost you." The end of his sentence was voiced rather quietly. Kaneki gazed at the other and his eyes blurred with tears.

"I'm sorry," Shiro whispered. His eyes watered, expression looking as if he could kill himself. He dropped his head and covered his face with his hands.   
"I'm so sorry…"he whispered.  
Kaneki furrowed his eyebrows and stood up from the chair, stepping towards the other. He lifted his hand up, froze, then lifted both his arms to form an embrace. He felt Shiro jerk at his touch, and he felt embarrassed of the thought of hugging himself, but he squeezed him harder.   
"Shh, Shiro, it's okay. You did nothing wrong.."  
It felt so _good_ , to be holding on to someone. It was..warm. kaneki let out shuddering breaths with tears trailing down, wetting his cheeks, both because of joy and sadness.  
He felt Shiro shaking, whimpering quietly. Kaneki gently nuzzled into his shoulder. He inhaled his smell, lips cracking into a sad smile.

Shiro lifted his head, then hesitantly encircled his arms around Kaneki too. Kaneki suddenly felt something bubbly in his stomach, and quickly ignored the feeling. It felt good to be returned a hug. He had been craving contact for months, but all he got to touch was some books and coffee. Now he was in someone's arms. Someone warm and breathing. Someone _alive_.

"Shiro," he said, voice muffled by his shoulder.

"Yeah?"

"Shiro," he repeated. The name felt good on his tounge.

"Yes, Kaneki?" The name, he thought. His name- the name that he wished to be called for months. He was not forgotten. It felt like there were only the two of them in the world, not him alone. It was a nice feeling.

"Shiro.. I might have hated you at first..but now I wish you'd stay by my side forever."

Silence stretched between them. Kaneki, finally realizing what he had just said, gasped and pulled back as he tried to form an excuse.

"I-I didn't mean it to sound that way-" he stuttered.

"I won't." Shiro said. Kaneki blinked.

He _won't_?

"..oh,"  
He turned, cursing at himself for trusting the other would want to stay with someone like him. No one would love him. _Of course not._

"I won't leave you."

He froze. Had he heard that right, or was his mind making things up? Kaneki slowly turned around.

  
"I won't leave you alone again, Kaneki. I'll never let you be forgotten."

Kaneki's eyes widened, and his legs gave out under him. He sobbed in joy. His heart soared, feeling warm hands caressing his cheek, swiping his tears away. He brought his hand up, the other immediately locking his fingers with his own.

"Thank you," he whimpered. Shiro smiled.

Wishing that this time would never end, Kaneki burrowed into Shiro's arms.

He _won't_ leave me.

  
\--

 

Kaneki told Shiro about the things he found out of the location. How it could shrink and grow, stretching to infinity, but how he kept it that way for it was a lot more comfortable that a luxury house. Shiro agreed at that, remembering the terrible experience of Tsukiyama's luxury house.

He could create things(up to a limit), change the shape of something. It was possible because the place was practically made of imaginations and memories.

Shiro beamed at him the whole time Kaneki explained about the place they were at. Kaneki kept on blushing at the ever-staring eyes. It seemed like the whole place could only exist in a fantasy world, and in fact, it did feel like he was supernatural every time he made more books or coffee.

"Show me,"

"Eh?"

"Create something."

Kaneki hummed, pondering of what he'd make. Ah, that's it. He should make a book since he was almost finished with the one he was reading. He splayed open his hands as Shiro watched in wonder. Then, out of thin air, a book dropped into his hands.

"Woah!!!" Shiro gasped. He looked up at where the book came from, then back down at the book on Kaneki's hands. Poking at the magical book, Shiro then snapped his eyes to Kaneki's with amazement.

"Kaneki, this is amazing!!" He cried.   
Kaneki laughed and opened the book. He ran his fingers through the eye-catching words. Before, he read books to forget the loneliness. But now..

"But the thing is, it should be a book that either me, you, or Haise read because things here all come from memory. I read Haise's books since i haven't read them." He explained.

"Then, could you make people?" Shiro asked. Kaneki shook his head as his expression dropped.

"I tried, but i can't make things that are alive. I tried plants, but the next day it grew from seed to flower, so I can't really control life."

Shiro nodded, thoughtfully staring down at the book.

"..would I be able to make things too?" Shiro asked hopefully. Kaneki shrugged.

"How do you do it?"

"Just visualize what you want in your head, and believe that it would be here."

Shiro closed his eyes and went silent. Kaneki waited, and after about a minute, something white without shape wriggled in the air. Then it was gone.  
Shiro sighed, clearly disappointed.

"You should really believe it. You were almost there-what was it?" Kaneki asked.

"An eye patch," Shiro pouted. Kaneki beamed at the other. Being able to see expressions like this, which were very, _very_ rare from him.. Without thinking, Kaneki reached out and gently pinched the other's puffed cheeks.

"You'll be able to do it when time comes. It took me three weeks to do it." He assured.

Shiro looked hopefully at Kaneki, then as if he woke from a happy dream, he snapped back. Rubbing his cheeks with a blush(either of the pinch or it is a blush) he sighed.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. Kaneki blankly stared back.

After a short moment of silence, Shiro took the book from Kaneki's hands and flipped through. He pondered for a moment before opening his mouth to question.

"--so, there is this person called Haise who right now is in control of our body?"

Kaneki nodded and looked towards an open window. Normally, the scene would be seen in his mind, but he changed it into a scene to be seen out of a window-since most of the time, the scenes were horrifying. Shiro turned his head towards where Kaneki's eyes laid.

"What's this?" He asked.

"It's 'our' life." Kaneki answered. Shiro walked to the window and looked out, immediately flinching backwards in surprise.

"…the CCG.." he murmured, turning around to face Kaneki for an explanation. Kaneki silently breathed, then nervously explained the current situation.  
The quinx squad, Haise Sasaki, Arima... the more he said, the more surprised Shiro seemed. He ended the explanation with a voice close to a whisper. Shiro looked overwhelmed with too much information in a day, and he crumbled into the floor.

"S-Shiro!!" Kaneki hurriedly ran to the boy, falling to his knees to help him up. Shiro declined his help and slapped his hands onto his own face with a grunt.

  
Kaneki sighed and hesitantly rubbed Shiro's hunched back. It was a second, but Kaneki felt Shiro lean into his touch. _Imagination_ ; he decided after a long debate in his mind. Another strange urge to hug the other pushed up. Furrowing his eyebrows, Kaneki took his hands away with a small groan. Shiro looked up with question.  
"What is it?" He asked.  
Kaneki shook his head as he reached up to rub at his chin. Shiro glared at Kaneki's hand.   
Wondering why Shiro was glaring at his hand, Kaneki glanced at it and blinked.

"..so it was true that I touch my chin when I lie," Shiro snickered.

Quickly ripping his hand off of his chin, Kaneki blushed. Shiro snorted as he dropped his hands to the floor to lift himself up. Groaning like an old man, Shiro stood up. He sighed deeply as if he had just finished a hard task: standing up.

"...can't really believe it all, to think that all of this is truly happening…" he murmured.

Kaneki sat on the ground with silence. When Shiro looked at him in silent question, he quickly supported himself with his hands to stand up. But for some reason, he failed and dropped to the ground. Why did his legs give out under him? Kaneki glared at his _very_ helpful legs when a hand popped up in front. He snapped his head up to see Shiro lending a hand. He blushed, gently holding on to the hand as Shiro pulled him up.

"Th-thank you." He blurted. Shiro gave him a nod.

He followed Shiro around the house. His room, which was very normal, and the bathroom(although he didn't need one), the kitchen.. Shiro finished the tour, Kaneki stopped him from sitting back on the couch and led him into his room. Shiro hummed in confusion as Kaneki reached to a naked wall in the left side of his room. When he touched the wall, it glitched and spread to form a wide hole through the wall, the other side's brightness illuminating the rest of the room. Amazed, the white haired boy carefully stepped in to a bright room. Squinting his eyes, he flinched back at the brightness, almost stepping on Kaneki's foot. When his eyes adjusted, he looked around with surprise. Shiro slowly walked in. Large sunflowers covered a whole right side, grass and trees in the left. The 'room' was endless and beautiful. There was a golden sky of a sunset stretching to infinity. Puffy clouds floated around. A river flowed somewhere not far away, Shiro supposed by how the sound of water caught his ear.

"Woah… you made this place?" He asked.

Kaneki nodded, blushing(again).

"It took some time to make, though..since the plants all looked disordered at first. As I told you, I can't control life."   
  
"…how did you do this?" He questioned, whirling around. Kaneki's breath hitched when he saw Shiro's expression. He was smiling with wonder and amazement sparkling in his mismatched eyes. Kaneki breathed slowly, movements frozen and mind blowing.

"Kaneki?"  
Tilting his head a little, Shiro called the dark-haired boy. Kaneki gulped, his cheeks burning like fire.

Okay. Even if the reason to my _stupidness_ today was because I finally met someone after a year of isolation, I cannot. Deny. The fact that he looks so _beautiful_.

"Shiro," he exhaled. His mind stopped from making him feel any embarrassment. Nothing mattered anymore.

"You're so…"he started. Shiro blinked, and then he snapped, eyes widening. _Shit_. He did it again. Shiro looked very curious, and he had already started the statement. He looked away bitterly.  
"…You're so kind."   
his mind was saying something else though. But would he dare say what he really meant? Of course not. Shiro would think he was out of his mind or something and leave. He nervously waited as nothing but silence echoed back. He cursed himself in his mind. Glancing up at Shiro's silence, Kaneki bit his lower lip. Shiro's face was twisted into an expression he couldn't identify. He twitched when Shiro snorted.

"Your hand says otherwise."

Kaneki then realized that he was touching his chin. Again. Oh my god, how stupid can he be? He furrowed his eyebrows. Shiro frowned.

"Kaneki… you know, you don't need to hide things…from me. Just saying." Shiro said, voce somewhat sad. Kaneki just smiled at that. Yeah, he agreed, since Shiro was him and he was Shiro. But.. some things should be hidden.   
"It's fine..it's nothing." _Nothing you could understand if I told you._

Shiro looked unsatisfied, but he left it at that. He turned to gaze at the sight.   
"Why sunflowers?" He asked, although he kind of knew the answer.

"Oh..they just..reminded me of someone. A-Also I like them." Kaneki replied, relieved that the subject has been changed.

"Thought so. do you miss him?"

"Yeah."

Shiro hummed, and slowly tread towards a tree. Kaneki followed behind quietly. He sat on the grass, leaning back to watch the sky turning dark. This was a thing Kaneki usually did when he was alone. Just sit and watch the sky or read a book. But whenever night came, he left. He didn't want to tear up again in the memory of watching stars with his friend. _Didn't want to feel alone._

They sat together, watching as the sky soon darkened and stars sprinkled across the heavens. It was a beautiful sight, and the silence between the two somehow felt comfortable. A soft breeze swiped his bangs. It felt good.

"Kaneki?"

Shiro's voice broke the silence with a start. Kaneki turned his head to the side and hummed in answer. Shiro paused, breathed in, and spoke.

"I'm sorry."

Kaneki sighed.  _Shiro was always sorry for things he shouldn't be apologizing about._  
"Why?"  
"For leaving you…alone. It… it must have been frightening to be left in a place with nothing and no one, and to find out that you don't really exist anymore…"

He watched in silence as Shiro's eyes flickered from the ground to his own eyes. Kaneki smiled.  
"It's okay."  
Shiro furrowed his eyebrows and grabbed his hand.  
"No, it's not okay! It was my fault you had to go through all that. I made you suffer. I shouldn't even have existed in the first place and-"  
"Shiro," kaneki hissed. Shiro abruptly stopped, eyes becoming wet and tears starting to flow.

"I'm sorry, I don't know why I am even crying…" he mumbled as he wiped his tears. Kaneki sighed, again hesitating to do what his body was going to do.  
"Stop apologizing.." he huffed, a mental war going on in his brain. _Should he? Should he not?_  
Finally, his body won the battle and he gently encircled his arms around the other boy. Last time, he 'decided' that it was his imagination that he felt Shiro lean into his touch. This time, he certainly felt Shiro shifting as soon as his arms closed into him, leaning into his embrace. His face seemed to burn at that. The bubbles in his stomach grew and he felt like his heart was stuck in his throat. This meant.. this meant that Shiro liked his contact.

"Shiro, I have something to ask you." Maybe he felt like this because he was drowned in his emotions. But it didn't matter anymore. He will say it, and it will be done with. Let the regret and embarrassment come afterwards.

"..maybe I'm just..being an idiot because of the temporary feeling, but..I've been stopping myself from saying this the whole day."

"As I've noticed," Shiro replied dryly. When Kaneki froze, flustered, he ushered him to go on.

"You can call me insane, cray or whatever. I think..." he paused, pushing away the incoming thoughts of _'you are seriously going to regret this'._

"I think you're beautiful."

Immediately, embarrassment flushed over him and Kaneki ducked, slamming his heated face into his hands. He groaned in regret. But somehow, a part of him felt less heavier than before.   
"uh, Ahem,"   
Kaneki, currently trying to calm his bursting feels, didn't hear Shiro clear his throat for attention. Shiro, also blushing but not visible because of the night sky, sighed with a smile tugging at his lips.

"Ken, you're cute."

..had he heard that right? Was he hallucinating? It should be his mind making things up again. Kaneki went through another tantrum in his head. _Gosh_ , he should get a hold of himself. Kaneki lifted his head and looked up at Shiro.  
"..did you say something?" he asked.  
"Yeah, I said you're cute." Shiro repeated.  
"Wha-I'm cu-huh?"  
"Want me to repeat that?"   
Kaneki shook his head in pure shock. Shiro called him cute. The situation reprocessed in his head and when he finally realized that Shiro had just _did_ call him cute, he blushed into a deeper red than any time before and he forgot how to breathe. He looked away. As he failed to recover, he heard Shiro chuckle softly beside him. He wasn't treated as he thought he would be. Shiro accepted-accepted.. _him_?

"So that was what you were hiding all day?"shiro tilted his head a bit and now the moon illuminated his hair and face. He seemed to glow. Kaneki gazed at the other before he jerked his head to nod. But that wasn't it. There was more to what he wanted to say. Maybe, this time, he will try it out.

"I think I li-" he gulped. Ignored the warnings in his head. "I think I like you."  
Shiro looked at him in a mixed expression.   
"yeah, me too."He simply answered. For a moment Kaneki's heart jumped in excitement.  
"No, I mean-"  
"I know. I like you too."  
Kaneki gasped. He let out a breathy laugh. "Really?"He asked. He thought Shiro was joking, but half of his mind exploded.  
"Why not?'  
"O-oh," his breath hitched. He felt like floating for some reason. Bringing his knees to his chest and hugging them, he dropped his head into his arms. Kaneki struggled to breathe. _Oh my god_ , he thought, face burning like fire. This _surely_ couldn't be happening. Then he felt to arms embracing him, and shuddered as he felt a warm breath brushing against his ear. Handsnshaking and wet from cold sweat out of nervousness, Kaneki returned the hug. The other was slightly larger than him. Kaneki let out a surprised sound when Shiro tightened his hold. He flinched as Shiro nuzzled into his junction between his neck and shoulder. Somehow that elicited a whole new emotion, but he frantically pushed it away. He had done that several times today. Kaneki breathed in Shiro's scent and smiled. Then he gasped as a sudden thought came across his mind.

"Is this a dream?" he asked, a look of horror covering his smile.  
"What do you mean?" Shiro, tightening his grip when Kaneki tried to pulled back, asked.  
"S-several times, I've dreamed things like this. It all seems real, but since this place is not real too, my dreams like these all turn out to be fake…"He bit his lip in frustration, clinging to the other as if the dream wouldn't end if he held on tight enough. Shiro laughed.

"You dreamed of me? _Nice_."   
Kaneki slapped the back of the other in frustration.  
"N-No! That's not what I mean!"   
Kaneki pushed himself away from the laughing boy with a blush.(denies to call it pouting)  
"I guess I'll just have to see for myself," He murmured.

Shiro hummed as he watched Kaneki. He snatched something from the air and sliced across his left arm. Kaneki let out a surprised sound of pain. In his right hand was a knife, and his left arm burned with pain as blood pooled in the line where his skin was sliced. Shiro gasped with shock.  
"Why would you do that!!"He shouted as he snatched his arm, careful to not touch the wound. Kaneki laughed to himself.   
"It's real,"he mumbled.  
"Mhm, yeah and you had to cut yourself to prove that." Kaneki flinched at Shiro biting out his words in suppressed anger...and something else lurked underneath his words. _Want_.  
"Then what should I have done?"  
"You could have just pinched yourself or something!! Why the hell would you.."Shiro's words ended with a groan. Kaneki's mind clicked. He pushed his bleeding arm into the other, right in front of Shiro's mouth.

"Kaneki, what are you doi-"  
"You want it, right?" Kaneki smirked. Shiro's eyes widened as he jerked away. Kaneki lightly tapped his own left eye. _Your kakugan_. Shiro slapped his hand to his eye, frantically trying to push away his sudden hunger. But Kaneki was first, and he slammed his arm into Shiro's mouth. The other let out a quiet moan when he tasted the warm blood. Immediately, his mouth opened and he licked the wound lightly. Shiro groaned at the taste and leaned in, mouth snatching on to the arm for more.

Kaneki watched other, his left eye changing at the sight. He Let out a strangled noise and felt a strange pulse as blood rushed south and north.  
Shiro looked up worriedly when he heard Kaneki's voice. But he realized it wasn't out of pain as soon as he met the raven's eyes. Shiro smirked into his skin and kept the eye contact as he sucked onto the wound. Kaneki shivered. If this went on, things would get _bedroomy_ , he thought, and immediately he felt like he was lifted. He looked down to see a bed under him.

Shiro laughed when noticed the bed. A bed in the middle of a meadow, _nice_.

They both looked up at the dark sky full of stars and breathed in the cool air. Then their gaze dropped onto each other.

"Damn though, Kaneki, you're so cute when you blush like that."Shiro said with a serious expression. Kaneki burst out laughing at that. He fell backwards into the bed, laughing like a child. Shiro looked confused at first, but smiled as he watched Kaneki roll onto his stomach laughing. It must have been a long time since he's laughed like that. Why not leave him be? By the way, he liked it when Kaneki smiled. So, laughing? Oh  _yes_. Shiro followed, lying down next to the laughing boy. He gazed as Kaneki's laughs slowly ceased to a stop. He wrapped his arms around the other lovingly. The raven heart joyful and uplifted, burrowed into Shiro's arms.  
"Shiro," he breathed. The other hummed in question.  
"Don't be be gone when I wake up." He said sleepily, but voice uncertain.  
"I won't." Shiro promised. No, he won't. Not when everything just started. Now when he could finally give a happy life to Kaneki.

Kaneki smiled and relaxed in relief.   
"You have to promise that," he whispered before falling into sleep. His breath came out in soft huffs. Shiro gently stroked the boy's hair.  
"I promise." He murmured. Shiro pulled up the cover over both of them before burying his face into the raven's hair and closing his eyes.

There was an unspoken statement after that.

 

 

_I hope._

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was all a dream..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, short chapter this time since..uhh..I was busy. Next chapter coming up soon!

_Oh._

When he woke up, he immediately slid his hand along the next of him on the bed. He  _had_ expected this, and  _yes,_ he knew this would happen, but a part of him had screamed that it had really happened. 

 _I guess my mind could lie to me._  

He stared at the cold space next to him. He wasn't in the field either; it was his room. He dryly laughed at the scene before him that indicated what had happened was all a dream. A happy life for him was impossible. He didn't cry. He couldn`t. His throat hurt and pain shaded in like a hammer was banging into his head. He ignored it. Kaneki silently pushed himself up from the bed, creaking under his weight. He didn't flinch at the cold floor. Lightly sliding his hand along the wall as if it supported him, Kaneki dragged his feet out the door of his room,  _no,_ there wasn't a door there. Not today. Only a big hole gaping open.

 _Hollow,_ he thought. 

Kaneki stepped out. He hadn't expected it, but his heart sank more when he saw no white-haired boy sitting on the couch with a book. But his expression showed nothing. No sadness, no anger, no depression nor desperation. It was blank. His eyes was colorless and empty. Kaneki crept up the three steps leading to the kitchen. For a second, he gazed into the white cupboards. He soon dropped his gaze and blankly looked around. Kaneki slowly started searching through the cupboards. He took out this and that, inspected the tiny letters on them, and put it back in until finally he found what he had been searching for. A small bottle of sleeping pills. Somewhat relieved, Kaneki popped the top off of the container. He dropped two pills in his left hand and poured himself a glass of water. He swallowed the two pills easily with water. Kaneki sighed. He took another. And another.  _And_ another.

_Why struggle to stay alive when there is no point to living?_

Kaneki slid down the white wall of the kitchen weakly. He breathed, lungs aching as he inhaled the air. The small bottle dropped to the ground, now empty.Until now, no wish he had ever wished ever came true. But this time, he felt like it would.

 

Kaneki smiled.

"Don't look for me.." He whispered. But he knew.  _He knew that no one would search him._

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

_In this shaken, twisted world, I gradually become transparent, unable to be seen._

_Please don't bother looking for me; don't stare at me.._

_I merely don't want to hurt you, inside a world, that came out of someone's imagination.._

_So please remember me; as vivid as I was._

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

An impossible amount of pain pierced his head as he came to consciousness. He groaned and the first thought that came to him was-

_Why am I still alive?_

As his blurry sight cleared, the pain ceased. A strange warmth was encircling him. He blinked and looked around from the change of his surrounding.

 

"Ken..Thank goodness.." A very familiar voice called from above. He looked up to see Shiro. And he was  _crying._  

Kaneki groaned, tears welling in his eyes and turned away. It was the  _dream,_ trying to make him believe this.  _Please, not anymore.. I've had enough.._

"Kaneki? Kaneki, are you okay?!" the voice was shaky. Shiro moved and pulled Kaneki towards him. Kaneki pulled away farther, almost slipping off the bed, and when Shiro's grip tightened around him, he thrashed around to try to get away.

"Stop..Stop it...!!!! I don't want any more of this dream!!!" He cried. The other froze.

_wait..._

_The bed..?_

In a sudden realization hit him as his eyes widened. Confusion came immediately afterwards. He felt movement behind him as the embrace he hadn't noticed tightened around him.

"This isn't a dream..." The soft voice of Shiro reached his ears. A wave of comfort washed over.

"Then what is it..?" He cautiously asked.

"It's reality..Ken..What you had right now was a dream. It's okay..I'm here, don't cry.." He soothed.

Kaneki gasped and shivered as more tears flowed like a waterfall.

"Really..?" He croaked.

Something warm pressed into his neck, and a soft voice reached his ears.

"Really.."

Kaneki slowly turned and his eyes met with another set of eyes, and they were warm. They had emotion, deep and loving. Kaneki breathed. His wish didn't come true, no, but his true wish  _did_ come true. But..what if this was a dream also? What if-

"Kaneki," 

Kaneki flinched and looked up at Shiro's call. They gazed into each other's eyes like that, Kaneki's worries getting worse as time went by more. He didn't want to lose Shiro. He pursed his lips with worry and frustration. Without warning, Shiro closed the gap between them and kissed him. It was a slow, passionate kiss, and it swept all the worries away from Kaneki's mind. Once again, warm tears rolled down his cheeks as Kaneki leaned into the kiss. When they broke away for air, Shiro sighed and looked at Kaneki lovingly. It wasn't empty as it had been in his dreams. This was  _real._ Kaneki burrowed into Shiro's arms in pure joy. It was then when Kaneki realized that now, his time ahead wasn't so dreadful and dark. It was exciting.

 

 

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> I am so excited for the upcoming chapters!! Need to write them quick so I can get to the climax!!!


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